A-Flipping-MAZING

You have GOT to check out this blog post. It will blow your mind.

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

It's lengthy but well worth the read. 

KEEP

AN 

OPEN 

MIND

.

Are You Crazy?

People think I'm seriously demented for wanting to work with teens, specifically those at risk for poor life outcomes.

I think this video sheds some pretty good light on what it is I see in them and hopefully you can see them with the same compassion and amazement as I do.

Pieces

Is that even spelled right?

There's that rule, the whole "'i' before 'e' except after 'c' in neighbor and way"-which, by the way, what does that part even mean anyway? 

No clue. 

Bottom line, I'm always confused how to spell 'pieces.' But I think that version looks better than 'peices' so we'll just go with it...

Yes, we are starting to pick up the pieces(?) and they are falling into place. 

Baby Spin has had two, fairly decent days and he seems to be improving. 

Mr. Spin is still tired, but he's starting to unwind a bit.

Yesterday I started blubbering out of no where, multiple times. 

I wasn't even upset, really. 

It was like the final let down of stress trauma or something. 

Maybe it's partially because I'm tired of constantly having to go to the bathroom in some sort of medical receptacle or that our life seems to be scheduled around multiple weekly doctor appointments now. 

Either way, we're finding our groove and it's nice.

The boys spend every other afternoon in the yard and I would be lying if I said having a warm pool at my disposal wasn't A-MAZING!

(Sure going to miss that when we move again...)

For those of you who don't know, speaking of moving, Mr. Spin has had 2 interviews with a certain sports network located on the east coast. 

It's a huge ego boost, especially since they called the day of graduation. 

(However, we did bust out tails the last two years so although we don't feel entitled to get a job right off the bat, we have definitely put in our dues if Mr. Spin is lucky enough to get an offer anywhere.)

At this point, I can't say if we would take the position or not. Things are still so fresh. Will we be moving somewhere far, far away? 

Most likely.

But in the mean time, we need a va-cay!

Our plan was to go to Sea World as a family before the baby came, but last week's episode nixed that idea. I'm not even allowed to "spend 3 hours in Costco," and yes, that's a direct quote. 

(Not like I really shop at Costco, but you get the idea...)

Argh. 

I think I'll send Mr. Spin to the spa next weekend. 

He needs some emotional healing. 

1 1/2 hours of hot stone therapy should do it, don't you think? 

:)

Any ideas for a mini family vacation that doesn't require me walking or leaving the area?

Tall order, I know.

I was actually lamenting to Mr. Spin how I'm defective because pioneer and farming women had kids and handled heavy, physical labor while pregnant. 

He said: 

"Yeah, and lot's of them DIED."

Oh, yeah. I forgot that part.

So glad I married him.

Maybe someday we'll have fun again!! 

In the mean time, I guess we'll just go float in the pool. 

Sob, sob, right? lol.

C.H.A.O.S.

Anytime I see that word I am reminded of my favorite childhood show, Get Smart. The lead agent, Maxwell Smart (played by Don Adams) worked for Control while they battled C.A.O.S. (Ok, it's different spelling, but it's pronounced the same.)

Anyway, this week has been total chaos. I dont' mean the I-can-barely-hold-it-together-by-the-end-of-the-day type. 

No, I wish. 

Wowzer, just let me explain...

Two Saturdays ago was commencent. It was great. A little hectic with family coming, trying to finish finals, and Baby Spin having the flu (i.e. vomiting in the car 10 minutes before my O.B. appointment- you know, because we can never do anything simple anymore).

But the day came, we celebrated, they let me walk with Mr. Spin's college and they even read out names together! Even our photo op pictures with the dean of the college were...together. 

That's just how we roll. :)

Monday hit and I was noticing some fatigue but since family was still in town I was trying really hard to not cop out on activities. Well, I didn't make it to the beach. But I felt guilty in just staying home so instead of resting I tried packing. Or at least I think so. I did something productive but the last 8 days are a bit of a blur...

Then family left on Tuesday and I think we started packing. Again, can't really remember.

By Wednesday a friend came and helped us pack a truck load up of furniture to move to our new pad. I was really tired before we even started but hey, it had to get done, right? And after all, I'm not dead, I'm just pregnant.

When we got home that night Mr. Spin started going crazy on our place. Like, CA-RAZY. I swear he was on something because my husband was replaced with a pink, fluffy bunny that beats a drum displaying the Energizer logo. It was nuts! I needed to sit, so I layed out on the couch and two hours later I woke up with enough 'umph' to stumble into bed.

Sleep didn't come easy because this kiddo was kicking and I was cramping. But I finally got some rest.

The next morning...

LOTS OF KICKING and cramping. I just stayed in bed and didn't move. Like, LOTS OF CRAMPING. 

Mr. Spin came in to say 'goodmorning' and I figured I should get my sorry (and saggy) tush up. So I did what any pregnant woman would do- 

I went to the bathroom. 

:)

But, wow. The cramps. So I sat for a bit. Mr. Spin asked if I was ok and I assured him I was fine but just really cramping. 

He went into the other room to get ready for work and then...

I saw the blood. 

The next words I uttered I'll never forget:

"Uh, Brandon? I'm in labor."

*INSERT INSTANT CHAOS HERE*

He's rushing around trying to find my phone so I can call the hospital. I'm trying to coordinate with family about watching Baby Spin. Then Baby Spin is not making it easy to get him dressed (of course).

I called my mom who was pretty groggy when she answered. 

My first words to her?

"Mom? Don't freak out. But I'm in labor."

Her L&D instincts immediately kicked in.

"Talk to me, what's going on."

(Now THAT will wake you up in the morning!)

We made it to the hospital where I was put into a labor room. At that moment Mr. Spin and I looked at each other with the "holy crap we're leaving here with a baby" look. A few moments later I passed a pretty impressive blood clot just as the nurse stepped out of the room. To make sure I wasn't crazy I called Mr. Spin into the bathroom and I so wish I had a picture of his facial expression. It was somewhere between shock, disbelief, and horror. Quite memorable and quite funny.

He then started scrambling around the room, fretting about finding the call button for the nurse. 

(Oh my gosh, it was so dang funny. I love him!)

She came in and it was one of my mom's good pals. She saw the clot, looked at me with a big smile and said, "Would you stop it already? Sheesh!"

They started my IV and yes, I started to faint.

They loaded me up with magnesium sulfate to stop labor and proceeded to give me steroid shots to help develop the baby's lungs in case I needed to be delivered. 

The nurse asked which side I wanted the shot in because in 24 hours I would have it in the other side and she wanted to know my preference (like it matters?). It was then that I had my 2 minute melt-down. Why?

Because...

I wasn't going home anytime soon.

The next thing I said?
"I want to go back to graduation!!!"

It's been 5 Days after commencement and now I'm in pre-term labor.

Of.

Course.

Also, let's keep in mind...

This was Thursday morning at 9 AM. We were scheduled to move Saturday morning at 8:30 AM- 

not even a full 48 hours later and NOTHING WAS PACKED.

I also hadn't eaten since the night before and since my contractions were so close (as in 1-3 minutes apart) there was no way they were going to feed me anytime soon.

After 22 hours of starving hospital food tastes pretty darn good. 

Well, I stayed there all day Thursday...

Friday...

Saturday...

And finally got released Sunday at 11 AM. I guess when your placenta decides to separate from your uterus they like to watch you for a full 72 hours after the fact. I was practically sprinting to the door! (Wheelchair? More sitting? REALLY?! Lol)

Sleeping didn't come because of back spasms and heart burn. And the stress of the move was pretty intense. Mr. Spin couldn't even make it the hospital Saturday because he was just D-O-N-E.

On a side note, I got caught up on all the food network shows since we have lived without TV for the past 17 months. 

I also made the Dean's list the last semester. Again. :)

(Didn't find that out until I got access to the internet on Sunday.)

We are tired.

We have no real idea what things are where.

But we're all ok. 

So much for a let down after finals. :)

We Made It

WHEW!!

Looking back, maybe it wasn't that hard...

Wait, who am I kidding?

:)

No Intiendo

I really thought things were getting better.

Last Thursday I sort of/kind of set up an outing for all of the students and out professor from our senior seminar course. We went out to a bar/restaurant right after class and hung out on the patio for almost two hours, recapping the semester and talking about our lives and future plans. We've all gotten so close over the semester it was a great way to say 'goodbye'.

Then Friday rolled around and it was another good day. I had stayed up until midnight the two nights previous to Friday morning making lifesaver necklaces for all of Baby Spin's teachers at school with our family picture attached and a note that said their name and a message:

'Because you were a lifesaver. Thanks for making our graduation possible.'

Well Friday morning was spent delivering those to all of the rooms Baby Spin had been enrolled in and that I had interned in. 

After that I came home and vacuumed, did several loads of dishes, cleaned the bathroom, reorganized our place and actually put things where they go, worked on a few assignments, and even managed to paint my finger and toe nails.

Then it was time for my last staff meeting.

This was a good meeting. It was an ice cream social where the graduating staff and interns were recognized. We were all asked what our future plans were and for me, it was hard to speak with out tears welling up. My future plans after graduation? 

I'm graduating?! 

Yes, and all because of the amazing staff at this childcare program. Whether it's today or 100 years from now there will never be the words to express my gratitude for these people. (I've never really understood the impact behind cliche statements like that until now.)

Then it was time for my semester review which went fine. Following that I met with the practicum coordinator for my department to try and clear up this course enrollment mess. She gave me some hope. She informed me that the academic advisor I had originally met with was ultimately the one who would sign off on the paperwork once it was processed and since she knew the problem everything should work out.

Should. I hope.

That night Mr. Spin had an awards banquet where he got a scholarship (which rocked). It was pretty cool. I was jealous. :)

Sunday was a great Mother's Day. Mr. Spin made a fruit tray and overnight blueberry french toast for breakfast and then crepes for dinner. We even had family drop in from NY at the last minute (we had 5 hours notice) and stay the night. It was a group of guys around 23 years old and it just gave me insight into what our family of all boys is going to be like 20 years from now. I liked it.

Well, it seemed like things were looking up.

Until I picked up Baby Spin from school yesterday.

His teachers informed me that he had bit himself in the hand and had hit himself in the face several times...

WHAT??!?

Five hours later you could still see two half crescent pressure marks in his right hand.

They suggested it was probably him feeling the stress from finals but...I'm not stressed. I've been far more stressed during the semester than right now.

But I guess Mr. Spin is reeeeaaallllyyyyy stressed. He hasn't had the time for Baby Spin lately, either. When we dropped our kiddo off last week at school (just one random day) he paraded around the room with Mr. Spin before we left saying, "This is my daddy, this is my daddy..." to all his friends and teachers. 

That made me so sad. 

He misses him so much.

Thursday morning and it will be over...sort of.

Then family comes in. 

Then we move.

Then I'm due.

I hope he gets daddy time. I hope he can get through this unscathed. I hope we get settled into our own place soon...

17 Already

Today is May 1st.

That means it has been 17 months since the beginning of the end of my bachelor's.

Ho.......Ly..........Crap.

Like, 

Really? REALLY? Am I almost done?!

That means...

5 days of class meetings left.

1 Biology assignment still to turn in (tomorrow).

1 counseling quiz to take (this week).

3 papers left to write (for next week).

And then just 3 final exams.

It honestly took getting married, having a kid, going through a couple of pregnancies and finishing my bachelor's degree for me to realize something about myself-

I'm kinda tough.

Maybe I wasn't always this way, but I am now.

And I'm darn proud of that.

EPIC

Friday was a big day. 

So much so that I don't know if I have to energy to fully write about it, but I thought I'd try...

I had a morning appointment with the on campus psychiatrist as a recommended precaution by my counselor. 

It was strictly to get a medical perspective on my situation and to see if there was anything I should be concerned about medically with pregnancy and Bipolar disorder so that I could be prepared.

Well, that's what I thought, anyway.

After giving him a brief history he proceeded to inform me that I may not in fact even be Bipolar. 

Like, at all.

When I asked what could cause the symptoms that I do have which coincide with those of the disease, he couldn't give me a straight answer. 

Not even close.

So this disease, the issue that I labored to accept and come to terms with, that I've been denied medical insurance for, that deemed me as 'crazy' to my peers...

You're now telling me I never had it?

I 

Fell 

Apart.

He kept telling me this was 'good news.' Ok, but seriously crappy timing!

I couldn't even process this. 

He ended the appointment, clearly having no insight to what he had just done, and I immediately darted into the bathroom to try and gain some composure so I could handle the walk home.

I couldn't call Mr. Spin. I couldn't really even calm my breathing down. It was like I froze.

After almost 10 minutes of hiding in a bathroom stall I left the health center and started my walk home, texting Mr. Spin that things did not go well, but ignoring his attempted calls; there was no way I could not break down if I said the words out loud and I just needed to get home.

I stopped by my professor's office, the one from the previous post, because I had a really heavy question to ask her, and I knew of all the professors and therapists I had access to, she would probably know the answer. 

(Love-hate relationship, remember?)

Did all of my rage, impulsivity, hypomania, depression...did all of that come as a result because of the trauma from the sexual abuse? Could that be entirely responsible for...

everything?

I had to know.

She wasn't in her office. The secretary (you know, the rude one that got on my case Monday when I was in the CAS office?) asked if she could help me with anything...and meant it. 

(It's about time! lol)

I said no and was on my way.

Mr. Spin was pretty relentless in his phone calls, but I just couldn't talk. I kept in touch via text on the way home so he would know when I got back to our place, but also so that I could distract myself enough to get through the walk.

The next thing I know our silver corolla was pulled up next to me on the street with Mr. Spin inside. I didn't even get the door open before I completely broke down into sobs with full hyperventilation. 

He parked in our spot. We sat. I sobbed and sobbed. 

I don't remember at what point he asked me to start talking about what had happened, but eventually he was able to get the just of things.

We both felt very beaten down. 

****

Well, he had to get back to work, and I went inside and agreed that I should probably lay down instead of study. And I planned to do so, but decided to check my email first.

I found an email from school and opened what turned out to be a scholarship notice from the CAS Dept. telling me that "...although we had many strong applicants this year, we are unable to reward all of them and we regret to inform you that you were not selected for the Kimberly Perkins 'Dedication to Academic Excellence in Challenging Circumstances' Award this year..."

I texted Mr. Spin. 

He called. 

I picked up, sobbing. 

He told me I really needed to drink some water.

****

I couldn't be home alone. 

 I started calling family and my dad picked up. 

I only told him about the award and that I couldn't really talk for long and needed to go. 

He immediately called my mom.

One minute after hanging up with him, I called her too. 

She said my dad had just called and he was worried.

I said I had had a very bad day.

She said she knew. 

I said, "No, you don't."

And told her everything.

She was at my apartment 15 minutes later.

I cried hysterically. My throat started burning after awhile from all of the spasms. I think most people really only cry like that once a lifetime, if they're lucky. 

But I was finally able to tell and ask her everything. EVERYTHING. 

What was the real reason why they never did anything about the perpetrator?

Would she change it now?

My fear of the dark, spiders, vampires...my childhood illnesses, the mood swings, my OCD in planning and hyper vigilance, it all came from what he did.

I know I was groomed.

Did she think I was ever really Bipolar?

Why not look into it further?

Does she think that she is really Bipolar, too?

I fired off so many questions...and she just stayed with me.

****

This story has a happy ending.

Well, at least the day itself ended happily.

After all of this madness I still had to go intern and then we had a date night planned with two other couples and it was way too late to back out.

So I was off and interned with red, puffy, burning eyes. 

Thankfully, the make-up was able to cover most of it for our evening out, so the other couples had no idea what had happened.

I don't know how or why, but that night the 6 of us couldn't stop laughing. I haven't laughed that hard since before Baby Spin was born. I actually wished I wasn't pregnant in that moment because I was sure I was either going to wet myself or go into pre-term labor. 

2 1/2 hours of side splitting jokes and humor.

And I was cured. 

I woke up yesterday with the energy to attend a birthday party, an intensely emotional funeral, go swimming, and have another night out with friends.

And now, at 5:30 AM Sunday morning I'm by myself with nothing to distract me.

And I'm still ok.

I know who I am. 

I have for a while.

The reasons and process that made me this way aren't as important as the end result, although it was very unsettling to find my understanding of myself was incorrect. I thought finally I had an understanding and had come to terms with issue A and issue B. But finding out that one of those issues never existed and that my path in life was all stemming from one, single situation that was entirely at someone else's hand...

I don't even know what to say anymore.

You know the irony though? 

Mr. Spin has a radio documentary due in two weeks and he had chosen the topic of 'mental illness.' 

Guess who his prime interviewee was?

Yup.

Guess I totally ruined that one for him.

*grin*

Oh, college, I will miss you. 

Well, sort of...

:)

Some Good News

Well, I did get some sleep last night. So that was good.

I'm pretty sure that mood swing had less to do with stress and more to do with diet. I can usually talk myself out of things when I'm stressed, and yet I just couldn't kick the energy.

But today I realized that everyday since Friday I have continuously had sugar (mostly chocolate) in very rich desserts and very large quantities because of continuous birthday celebrations.

I think what jacked me up so bad yesterday were the four (yes, FOUR) Sprinkle's cupcakes Mr. Spin brought home as a belated birthday treat. 

We split all four of them yesterday.

*The seasonal S'mores one is KILLER!!!*

I knew my diet impacted my moods but gosh, no wonder I was so miserable in my teens and early twenties!

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. Baby Spin and I went out and did some things and although my back was hurting he had a blast and we had a great day of bonding. 

Things are looking up.

But speaking of my back...

My doctor can't refer me to a physical therapist because of my insurance so I am pretty much stuck. I have one hour left at my internship to finish my required course intern hours (you know, for the class I'm not even registered in) but interns are required to stay until the end of the semester regardless of whether or not they finish their hours. So that means three more weeks of being on my feet for a full day.

Well, I've been putting it off and putting it off and I finally emailed my site supervisor about the issue. She's a really great person, but I really didn't want any special treatment because of the pregnancy. However, I don't know if I can keep up with this anymore.

So I bit the bullet and emailed her. I figured I'm guaranteed a 'no' but I might get a 'yes.'

Thankfully, she emailed me back this morning told me I could just come for the staff meetings the next few weeks with no problem. 

SO RELIEVED.

Not only does this free up some rest and study time but it also gives me al little time for packing (light packing, of course).

Just 12 more weeks and I'll be able to walk pain free (granted they don't slice me open for delivery, in which case it will be a little longer.) 

Oh, just 2 more weeks of school and campus walking, which, by the way, hasn't kept the weight off like I had hoped...

So I guess the saying should change to:

'Lot's of pain, and still lot's of gain!'

The Story

So here's the deal with graduation for those of you who don't know the specifics...

My major requires two semesters of internships with two classes that coincide with those internships.

(Meaning: you register for the curriculum class, but then you also register for a separate 'lab' portion that is fulfilled by completing your internship hours. The class is 2 graded units and the lab is 1 pass/fail unit depending upon whether or not you complete your internship hours.)

This is the annoying technicality that kept me off the Dean's List last semester because even though I had above a 3.0 and took 12 units I only had 11 graded units and this one, STUPID pass/fail unit. No 12 graded units = no Dean's List.

But anyway...

This semester I've been taking the second internship course. This is also the course with the professor that has royally pissed me off a few times, including the first week when she openly criticized me for 'not taking the time' to find a more beneficial internship. I've grown to appreciate some of her antics, but, well...

...we definitely have a love/hate relationship.

So, going back to Monday and my march on the department office...

I met with my advisor (by this point in tears, of course) and she realized that even though I have been going to this class all semester, completed all of the course work, turned in all of my paperwork from my internship, and completed my interning hours...

I WAS NEVER ENROLLED IN THE COURSE.

Really? 

Really.

She then informed me that I would need to go apply for a late add.

So I did.

Oh, wait, 3 weeks to finals? Sorry, no late adds accepted!

So now, I get to wait until the semester is over and pay $20 and apply for a retroactive add that takes 4-6 weeks to process and IF it clears I get to pay another $20.

Maybe I screwed up somewhere, but you would think the professor in charge of your internship would catch something like that? Nope.

I informed her yesterday of the issue and wanted to verify that I in fact had everything turned in (heaven forbid another over sight occur and admissions not grant my retroactive add due to one missing piece of paperwork) and she says to me, "Do you think they would be willing to admit any fault on their end?"

Oh yes. She did.

And now you know why I never even bothered considering asking her if she had a printout of the class list.

Hopefully everything processes and I get my diploma.

But let's say they don't accept my request. This is not just a class I get to take over again, with a possibility of taking it online. 

Nope.

This is my ENTIRE internship OVER AGAIN.

With 2 kids this time.

Not living close to campus.

And no access to childcare.

Because of a 1 unit technical over sight in registration.

$%#@!

This has been stressful. So much so that it has combined with some other things (namely moving back into the same house as my grandmother, and she is not a mentally healthy or stable person in the slightest) which is actually causing me some mania. I noticed today my intense desire to start cleaning and packing. Luckily, I didn't act on it and was able to fall asleep.

But now, after my 2:30 AM nightly trip to the bathroom, my mind is racing with the anxiety of having to deal on a daily basis with an overbearing, depressed, highly controlling, compulsive eating 87 year old again and I can't seem to psycho-analyze myself enough to calm my nerves to fall asleep. 

Within only a few minutes visiting my parents she is so immediately controlling of Baby Spin's activities and behaviors and overly involved my business (Why are you here? What are you doing? What's going on?), and it's not even her house or her things.

Or her kid, for that matter. 

I believe in innocent until proven guilty. I don't jump to conclusions with my kid and there is no reprimanding/reminding unless an offense has occurred in the present.

Not with her. Not even with a toddler.

It's not innocent until proven guilty.

It's guilty...and always will be.

PISS.

ME.

OFF. 

The biggest issue is that she was highly abusive to my mom when she was a kid, and so now as a way to 'fix' that she jumps in on ANYTHING that deals with my mom, coming to her 'aid' as she sees it. This makes having a relationship with my mom very difficult.

When Baby Spin and I are there and my mom is sleeping, grandma's always on his case about being quiet, even if he isn't being loud.

Now that he's quieter than her with language, she's on his case about making noises too loudly. WHEN HE'S NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING.

I heard a great quote from a professor (actually, it's coincidently from the professor in question from above):

'Defensiveness is actually a distortion of reality in attempt to repair past trauma.'

Boy, is she defensive when it comes to my mom.

And boy has she caused trauma. Not just for others, but for me as well. She had a very large hand in raising me because my mom had a career.

It was rough. 

Looking back, I realize a lot of the time she was controlling just to be controlling. No constant empathy when it was one on one, no real admittance to being wrong or recognition, and not a lot of room for error. 

She would say things to me like, "Don't ask to jump on the trampoline at your piano teacher's house. You don't want to be a nuisance." 

EVERY student spent time on the trampoline. 

I had done it once.

She took me to a dentist appointment one time and we got there early. So she went to McDonald's and got a full meal for herself. She sat in the car and ate it all with me right next to her. In the end, her only remark was, and I quote, "You've already had your breakfast."

I was a child and to be controlled and treated as such. You know, the old school way of looking at children, concept of, "Because I'm bigger than you." But yet, ironically, I was still expected to do things like my own laundry, later sew my own pointe shoes, and handle all my other grown up chores. 

It's true, she had it hard growing up. 

But at some point a person needs to take responsibility for who they choose to be today. 

'Yesterday' can't be blamed forever.

Even now she soils my relationship with my mom. I was able to talk with my mom about it recently. Which was a huge relief. Our relationship has really been strengthened over the past few years, and I want to keep building on that. I want to spend time with her. Just her. During this talk she realized the truth in what I was saying about grandma's interference and it causing damage. It probably helped that just the day before my grandmother had gone into my mom's room after hearing my mom was going to watch Baby Spin for a few hours the following day and she wanted to 'discuss the matter' (an arrangement, by the way, I had made 3 weeks prior). My mom had been studying for a test for recertification at work and she was really stressed about it. She was spending hours studying, actually. And here, my grandmother walked in and said to her, "You just need to sit your daughter down and have a discussion with her and inform her of the times when you can and can't watch her son."

That hurt. A lot. But like I said- guilty and always will be. 

(Thankfully, my mom cut her off at the pass with a 'what makes you think you can tell me what to do' remark. Way to go, mom. :)

 She had assumed I hadn't pre-arranged for baby-sitting. Obviously, she didn't know the details but why should she? It didn't concern her and therefore wasn't her business. Even still, she just assumed I was being inconsiderate (which if you've ever watched my kid you know that's not how I roll). 

Even when we sat down with my parents and discussed moving back in with them she came into the room and butted in on the conversation and said, "Well no one checked with me." Clearly, this was her way of still trying to put in her two cense after she realized she hadn't been involved in something...that wasn't her business to begin with.

She feeds off portraying anyone else in a negative light to my mom which is me most of the time. Sometimes Mr. Spin, too. And especially my poor dad. (Oh yes, you don't even want to imagine.) In fact, it used to always be my dad, but now I've become the whipping boy, probably because I'm not there enough to know what's going on behind my back and defend myself...

And there is no sitting down and talking with her. I have enough education and enough understanding of her history and current state of being to recognize that what I will say to her she will not be able to hear. She can't handle it. She won't be able to cope with the reality. 

And so it goes, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Man...how am I going to survive this.

Cry

Yup. 

I suuuurreee did.

In fact, I counted.

6 times.

Just yesterday.

Not like it was extended cry sessions over and over again (which would have been just fine, by the way!).

Instead, I decided that if the tears were going to come, I needed to let them out. 

I've been seeing an on campus counselor (who is WAY better than the first guy I went to) but I won't have access to her after I graduate in 4 weeks. So I decided if I was really going to get back to where I need and want to be, I'd better stop stuffing my feelings and start letting them all out.

Sunday I opened a notice from school telling me I had an insufficient number of units in my major to graduate. The tears started...and I stuffed them in.

All day long at church I stuffed it all in. The panic, the disappointment, the despair; I was exhausted by 3 PM. 

Sunday night Mr. Spin and I had a minor tiff, but still I was sorely burned. 

I went to bed upset.

I stuffed it in.

I woke up to Mr. Spin and Baby Spin chatting in the other room but I stayed in bed. I was still hurt. 

I stuffed it in.

 Mr. Spin came in to wake me up before he left.

That's when the tears came. And I let them

Baby Spin heard me and came in and cuddled the both of us. He said, "Mommy sad?" 

I said, "Yes, Mommy's sad. But it's ok to be sad sometimes. Just like we get happy or scared we can get sad, too. And it's ok."

Shortly after that I got a call from my mom about some trivial matter and then I related to her the issue with graduation.

The tears came again.

Later, Baby Spin and I trucked it over to campus to try and clear everything up with graduation. I love how rude older women think they can be to you just because you're younger than they are, especially secretaries. 

(Obviously they know more than us...NOT.)

More tears.

But this was accompanied by a hug and kiss from my kiddo. 

I made it to the elevator and rode it with a friend. As soon as the doors closed I cried for the full 20 seconds it took to go down 5 floors non stop. 

Thankfully, every stranger I cam across yesterday was extra considerate in opening doors, providing me with computer access, etc. It's nice to know that there are still people in the world that don't judge a pregnant woman with a screaming child on a school campus. 

My back was in pain all day and had been since the weekend started. But I had to walk. I couldn't even put full weight on my right leg due to my sciatic nerve. But I walked all over campus and eventually made my way to class anyway. No choice.

Luckily, Mr. Spin got home early and picked me up after class and also was able to pick up Baby Spin, too. Our little munchkin fell asleep in the car and thankfully again, Mr. Spin was there to carry him while I limped inside. 

I opened the door to our completely disheveled apartment and...

it was clean.

Mr. Spin had cleaned and vacuumed before picking us up. He put Baby Spin down for a nap. He came out of the bedroom and into the kitchen and gave me a hug because he "hadn't done it yet today, and not really much at all lately." 

Once again, tears. 

A little while later I caught up on some phone calls to family to thank them for the birthday cards and gifts. During my conversation my back went out. Again. The 4th time in 24 hours. I had already tried calling around to cheap massage places but no one was available for that evening, so I just decided to deal with out any treatment. But at this point, I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I couldn't even stand up.

I did the one thing I have been avoiding, predominantly over the past three days. I have two friends who are very, VERY well trained masseuses, and although they have offered to work on me they are also full time moms...how can I ask them?

But the pain was EXCRUCIATING. 

So I called...

...secretly praying they wouldn't pick up so I didn't feel guilty...

but one did. 

I told her my situation and asked what I could do for relief myself. She said- 

"COME OVER."

The last time for the day...

the tears came.

She lives in our complex, but it still took about 15-20 minutes for me to walk there.

She worked for 1 hour and 40 minutes while I locked my jaw and bit into pillows. It was bad. She was amazing but the shape I was in was pretty bad. BAD. It was a relief to hear that from a professional, actually. The last thing I wanted to hear was that it could be worse or that it's 'manageable.' I hate complaining and I try and deal. I thought my pain tolerance was high, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was?

It was. 

Worse, actually. 

I had no clue it was in my back and down past my knee. 

And was it.

But when she finished, I could walk. 

I could still feel the nerve a bit, but I could walk with both feet under my hips using even weight distribution. It was unreal.

We chatted the time away, and although we hardly ever see each other, it was such a relief to talk to her. We get each other. And when you're this kind of 'crazy' sometimes it's hard finding people who will mentally go there.

(Moving is going to be hard.)

But recapping on the day:

Yesterday, I cried about cruelty and judgement.

I cried out of disappointment.

I cried out of relief.

And I cried out of gratitude. 

I was once told that I cry too much. However, in my attempts at stifling my emotions I realized something: 

You can't ever cry enough.

Too Much...

There's so much to write about and yet I don't even want to bother.

Today is my birthday. 

It's also the day I received notification that I may in fact NOT be graduating. 

All hell is about to break loose in the CAS department office tomorrow morning, let me tell you.

(I'll keep you posted.)

I got my hair cut yesterday. I got more layers put in because I wanted it to look good with my cap and gown. 

Of course.

I also found an awesome organization I want to start volunteering for after we get settled. You should really check it out. It's a long story...I'll have to get into that later.

I'm really wasted from worrying about graduation. It's 3:07 and I'm trashed. We're going over to a friend's house later for dinner. She insisted I not cook on my birthday, so we're having a good ole' fashioned BBQ. :)

Mr. Spin made dinner last night...and breakfast this morning. There's still some left over dark chocolate brownies that I've been drowning my sorrows in. I think I'll just have one more and then take a nap...

Freaked out about what tomorrow will bring. Fingers crossed.

Resolve

Well, I had a break down right in class right after I wrote that last post.

Can you guess what the class discussion was on?

Attachment in parenting

and

child sexual abuse.

I never stood a chance.

Normally, when I voluntarily discuss my experience I don't cry. In fact, I never do. But after viewing a video and everything that happened with Baby Spin I just couldn't help it and the tears came. Ugh.

Don't worry, I managed to throw in a joke or two. I just hope my classmates forgive me!

My professor attempted to allow me to briefly decompress after the class meeting, but I think she shortly realized I didn't really need it. She's the second professor I've had that has been genuinely amazed that I've been able to acquire a healthy life and healthy marriage. Is that something usually out of grasp, especially for someone "like me"?

Anyway, on a better note, or at least I'm really trying to make these 'better notes' and let these few rays of light shine in...

I got my two papers back that were both re-dues (one was redone THREE times). I got an A on the triple re-due, my first A of the semester for this class. The second was a B, but I knew it was crap going to turn it in.

Also, my biology professor is making more points readily available so as long as I get full points on the next homework assignment and get at least a 61% on the final I will pass and graduate.

Also, I just finished 1 of three term papers. (This one is due tomorrow.)

It's been good to have the tender mercies these past few days so that Mr. Spin and I could complete our term projects functioning off one computer and no baby sitter. Baby Spin fell asleep Monday at 10:30 AM for no reason and that allowed me to get some work done. He just walked into the bedroom, got under the covers, and went to sleep. I had axed Monday out of getting work done due to our schedules, so that extra time was a huge asset.

Likewise, Mr. Spin stayed up until 2 AM last night but actually completed his radio documentary. In one night. Done. I guess it's not impossible, but that was definitely improbable. It's another long day for him today, and I won't see him again until late tonight and tomorrow and Friday will be the same story, but at least we've made it thus far.

Hopefully we can keep pushing.

Thanks for all your comments. This blog was intended more to open up issues and discuss things that people either don't want to talk about or don't know about, but instead it seems it has served as a great source of venting and support for me.

So thanks for reading.

:)

PS: JUST got off the phone with Mr. Spin. No more late night and Friday's late night is looking like a possible cancel. These may seem like breadcrumbs, but to me it's just enough sustenance to carry us through.

I Know, I Know...

Yes, that last post was only written a few hours ago.

But I wrote it in such a rush and out of immense frustration I knew I would later need to go back and clarify something.

Yesterday, I got news that two different friends each had a parent pass away.

And yet, I'm feeling like the walls are caving in with my own life. I wonder, how can I be so self-centered?

At the same time, my education tells me that's the incorrect feeling for this moment.

I need to express this pain and frustration. If I don't I worry about what might eventually happen.

In the back of my mind I foolishly worry that upon reading this 'people' will think all the things of me that they used to, and so bit by bit I've been holding it in and keeping it in up until now.

But under this amount of stress 'keeping it in' is actual cause for concern. If I didn't ever freak out I know I'd be in trouble. And as light hearted as that last sentence may sound it is laced with extensive amounts of gravity.

My child is 2 1/2 years old, just this past Saturday.

Yesterday was the first time I have ever spanked him. One pop on the bottom, with diaper and pants still on.

I'm not an advocate of corporal punishment. I don't ever want to do that again. I really felt cornered and like I had no choice.

At the end of the day I know it was my own fault.

He was hot. He was tired. He was hungry. He needed rest. But I can't carry him anymore and the longer he stalled walking the worse it was going to get. But he wouldn't budge and no one was willing to help me.

It was miserable. I want to cry just thinking about it right now. I feel like I'm failing across the board.

I feel so selfish right now but I just don't want to be a mom anymore. Just for right now. Just one moment of breath. Even if I ever get a few moments 'alone' I'm not really alone, I'm being kicked from the inside, unable to get comfortable.

I can't even hold my kid anymore when he's upset because his flailing and wriggling gets directed at my stomach; it's like I have to parent him at arms reach.

That's not our relationship. I want my baby back. I miss being a successful mom. I feel like such a waste.

4 more weeks left but at what cause? How much damage will be done by then? Will I even be able to repair it with the move and the baby on the way?

I don't know.

And that scares me.

I'm No Math Genius, But...

One computer

+

One car

+

One bedroom apartment

+

one income

=

doesn't equal 2 Bachelor's degrees.

Or at least not very easily.

Things have been rough, and though you may not think that life isn't too busy to blog about, we literally don't even have the time to celebrate my birthday this weekend.

Literally.

No.

Time.

In fact, until last week, I forgot my birthday was coming up. I turned to Mr. Spin before falling asleep for the night (as when we have most conversations. They can even last up to 5 minutes long if we're lucky!) and said,

"I just realized that my birthday is during the last 4 weeks of school."

In my head I had totally had skipped over April.

Anyway, this weekend holds my 2nd in class meeting for my online class (of course), Mr. Spin having to cover the stage production of Little Women, starting another 10-12 page term paper, a couple of church meetings (most of which I won't be able to attend because of conflicting obligations), and the standard grocery shopping and trying to catch up on sleep.

The worst part is that I don't even think I care.

Life freaking sucks.

So THIS Is Love...

I just wanted to highlight a couple of things Mr. Spin has done lately that have either made me laugh or melt or...a little of both.

His most recent funny quote (fyi: it's not scandalous but if you get squeamish easily then skip the next three paragraphs) :

He came home from class the other day, talking about how he was having a hard time focusing. He's mentally checking out of classes now and this has basically become a run-the-clock type of situation; show up, get attendance points, go home.

Recanting the class period, he says to me, "Man, I just kept daydreaming about intercourse and foot rubs."

Sometimes I forget he's a 'guy.' But in those few moments when I'm reminded I just can't help but laugh.

For the more PG moments...

A few Sundays ago Baby Spin wanted to make a cake. He LOVES baking with me. Since we didn't have box mix (oh yes, I said it) we had to make it from scratch and I had never used this recipe before.

It turned out OK-ish.

We added some out-of-sight peanut butter frosting.

Well, the show stopping frosting bulldozed the flavor of the cake, and so only about half of it ended up getting eaten due to pure awesomeness of the frosting and total cruddiness of the cake.

After a few days of the cake sitting in the fridge, I was in bed for the night and Mr. Spin came in and snuggled up next to me. He proceeded to say the following-

"I hate to say this because I love your baking

but

that cake needs to go somewhere and die."

I couldn't stop laughing.

A few moments later I was giving him a hard time about something and just to be a stinker I pretended to already be asleep after one of my witty retorts so when he called my name seeking a response I stayed quiet and still. After calling my name twice, he abruptly followed the last call in a very teasingly playful voice, "You're so stupid!"

Burst out laughing. I couldn't stop. I totally blew my cover, but whatever.

So this is love.

Letting your wife eat the last leftover serving of fall-apart-meat pot roast and fresh mashed potatoes.

Love.

Singing "D's mom has got it goin' on" after your wife that's 7 months pregnant comes out wearing a recently purchased maternity bathing suit.

Love.

Slicing up an apple at 4 AM while your wife is fighting nausea (and ends up vomiting anyway because she came down with the stomach flu). Yes, it's true he couldn't help me in the bathroom because he can't stand vomit but he stood as close to me as he could manage and rubbed my back as he kept his other hand clamped over his nose and mouth.

Love.

A kiss on the forehead as he greeted me at school before picking up our munchkin.

Love.

SAPPY.

But I needed to write about something uplifting.

And he makes me smile.

:)

24 Weeks Down, 7 More To Go...

I can't believe I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Well, I can, but school has definitely robbed this pregnancy of full attention. I can't say that's necessarily a bad thing, especially since there have been lots of 'suck it ups' lately that have required the fact that I'm pregnant to be put on the back burner and push through school.

Take two weeks ago. I got food poisoning...or so I thought.

NOPE.

The flu.

For a week.

The MOST excruciating stomach pain I have been in for a very, very long time. I still had assignments due and studying still commenced...sort of.

Two weeks prior to that I was in the hospital for bleeding the night before a rather important paper was due. At 10 PM I got home and started madly typing, went to class the next morning and turned 'something' in, at least. Ugh...

The only thing I can't seem to 'suck up' is cooking. At the end of the day I just want to sleep. I love to cook and bake but it's just not happening anymore. Even being on Spring Break this week I find myself completely run down, and I haven't even gotten 1/4 of the work done I had planned to accomplish.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 7 weeks. I will, obviously, I don't have a choice, but MAN, every assignment still left on my syllabi, every test still not taken, every point still not earned...they are all thorns in my side.

Yes, I have a LOT of thorns in my side.

(Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. lol)

Not to mention we are moving the weekend after graduation. That's something I can't even process right now. It was a quick decision, and needed to be made ASAP since it's going to occur F-A-S-T.

I must say that Spring Break this week has been a nice 'break' whether I intended it to be or not. Every day that I don't accomplish work goals makes me feel that much more weighted down, but we've spent so much time together as a family I can't say I regret not studying my brains out. (Ask me again on Wednesday when I have my anatomy/physiology exam, I might be singing a different tune.)

I just hope I graduate. I'm not failing anything, not even close, but I just don't know what the next 7 weeks of pregnancy hold for us and I'm praying I can make it through to finals week. Can we say anxiety?

Well, maybe now that this is written down I can fall back to sleep.

I miss sleep.

And life without heart burn.

And kickboxing.

And my size 6 jeans and size small blouses...

I know, I know, it comes down to one thing:

SUCK IT UP.

And I will. ;)

Just a Brat Setting a Tone for the Sabbath

Yesterday was a day.

You know the ones, when everything puts you in an even crappier mood than you were in before.

Thankfully, by the end of the night I was over the little things, including the nurse who criticized me for having another child while still in school. (Ok, well, mostly over it *smirk*).

I started going over the visiting teaching message in preparation for tomorrow and found a great scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants section 25 verse 10:

"And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better."

Perhaps that scripture didn't sink in as well as I guess God had intended, because at 4:30 this morning I was up with back pain, stressing over the next 10 weeks of school and subsequently the 4 week time frame after graduation that students wait for official graduation notification (making sure all the classes are completed and passed. Cruel, huh? lol). Basically my nightmare won't be over until June.

Unable to sleep, I got up and started digging around on the computer.

And then I found

this

on a blog.

(These people are A-MAZING.)

Then it finally hit me. HARD.

I have an end in sight.

This will end.

And SOON.

(Relatively speaking.)

And that's when I realized...

I'm such a brat. Like, spoil-ed.

I swear I'm one of those kids that Heavenly Father looks at and while shaking his head says, "Heather, Heather, Heather..."

I can remember a conversation with a friend a long while back and he commented that he wished the second coming of Christ would already happen. I think my exact words were, "NOOOO!!! I NEED EVERY SECOND I CAN GET!!!"

I'm glad I'm young because I still have a LOT to learn...

The (Not So Mental) Institute

I wish I were sleeping right now. I think I got almost 11 hours last night and yet I still needed more this morning. Not out of want, but out of need.

But we have some cheese, a little bit of juice, and some left over spaghetti in our fridge...and that's about it. So I'm attempting to work on a grocery list but my hungry and rather upset stomach is making the thought of walking down isles of food somewhat intolerable at the moment...

Last weekend I came to the conclusion that the combination of the lack of sleep and the work load we're both carrying has gotten me depressed. Not "clinically," but more like circumstantially depressed.

I'm just so tired. All the time. But I just...keep...pushing...

So I went to the counseling services on campus yesterday.

One word.

Amateurs.

Post motivational notes on my mirror? REALLY? No offense, but this guy even said, "You've been through worse and you've gotten yourself through it before, so you can do it, just relay on your previous tactics. Post things where you can see them..." Clearly my tactics are a little more internal and developed due to my history, but how can that translate in just 15 minutes of a Q&A session?

I just smiled and nodded.

After that I had 5 minutes to get to class. If you've ever been to therapy before then you know: in NO WAY was I going to class after that.

Well, actually, I did try. I got to the bathroom just down the hall from my classroom and took one look at the stalls and thought, "The institute has cleaner bathrooms. I can hold it for a few more minutes." And I was D-O-N-E for the day.

I ditched not one but TWO classes, but I was responsible about it, of course. I wasn't exceeding allotted absences and no assignments were due. I.E. - Responsible Ditching. :)

The best part? The 2 1/2 hours spent at the institute (of religion, not of mental illness, for the non-LDS readers) were far more effective than the majority of the stints in I've done in therapy combined. (Yes, I've done a few. Three, actually.)

Seriously, the institute is kind of saving me this semester. I can take Baby Spin there and let him run around, we look at the bugs in the dirt, play in the closets, draw on the white boards, get lunch, eat free or REALLY cheap food ($.50 for a full size Twix!!), are around NICE people...and I go just for quiet time in those brief moments I get.

And did I mention FREE parking?

F-R-E-E!!!

SOOO glad it's there. Thank you to however created the institute system.

-Pregnant, Disgruntled Student Parent

Copy Cat

*Sorry Kellie, hope you don't mind...*

I found this poem on a friend's blog.

It's been one of those weeks...and I needed to hear this.

I thought I'd share it, because, well...

maybe you need to hear it, too.

Stick to your task till it sticks to you.

Beginners are many, but enders are few.

Honor, power, place and praise

Will come, in time, to the one who stays.

Stick to your task till it sticks to you.

Bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it too;

For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile

Will come life's victories, after a while.

-Author Unknown

(Recited by President Monson in an address to young single) adults.