Yes, that last post was only written a few hours ago.
But I wrote it in such a rush and out of immense frustration I knew I would later need to go back and clarify something.
Yesterday, I got news that two different friends each had a parent pass away.
And yet, I'm feeling like the walls are caving in with my own life. I wonder, how can I be so self-centered?
At the same time, my education tells me that's the incorrect feeling for this moment.
I need to express this pain and frustration. If I don't I worry about what might eventually happen.
In the back of my mind I foolishly worry that upon reading this 'people' will think all the things of me that they used to, and so bit by bit I've been holding it in and keeping it in up until now.
But under this amount of stress 'keeping it in' is actual cause for concern. If I didn't ever freak out I know I'd be in trouble. And as light hearted as that last sentence may sound it is laced with extensive amounts of gravity.
My child is 2 1/2 years old, just this past Saturday.
Yesterday was the first time I have ever spanked him. One pop on the bottom, with diaper and pants still on.
I'm not an advocate of corporal punishment. I don't ever want to do that again. I really felt cornered and like I had no choice.
At the end of the day I know it was my own fault.
He was hot. He was tired. He was hungry. He needed rest. But I can't carry him anymore and the longer he stalled walking the worse it was going to get. But he wouldn't budge and no one was willing to help me.
It was miserable. I want to cry just thinking about it right now. I feel like I'm failing across the board.
I feel so selfish right now but I just don't want to be a mom anymore. Just for right now. Just one moment of breath. Even if I ever get a few moments 'alone' I'm not really alone, I'm being kicked from the inside, unable to get comfortable.
I can't even hold my kid anymore when he's upset because his flailing and wriggling gets directed at my stomach; it's like I have to parent him at arms reach.
That's not our relationship. I want my baby back. I miss being a successful mom. I feel like such a waste.
4 more weeks left but at what cause? How much damage will be done by then? Will I even be able to repair it with the move and the baby on the way?
I don't know.
And that scares me.
You know, my first blog was called Pyroclastic Techniques. I named it after Pyroclastic Volcanoes. Those are the ones that bide their time and only erupt once in a while. Unlike the slow-leak type of volcanoes (don't remember what those are called), a pyroclastic eruption has built up so much pressure that it literally explodes, often taking half of the mountain with it, rock flying everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI started that blog during a time in my life where I was having some serious emotional eruptions. I learned through blogging that getting what I was feeling out there helped ease the pressure.
Where am I going with this? Well, I guess I wish I could make things easier for you, but if you're like me, then you probably already feel better having just written them down. That always made me feel my troubles were more manageable.
And you know what? I still have that other blog. I figure I may need it again someday. (Maybe in October when I'm 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old...yowza!)
Was it my early text that reminded you of your birthday? ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, friend. I wish I had something awesome to say. But I don't. When all heck breaks lose and I find myself slipping I remind myself of these things:
a. It could always be worse. I know things suck and are so hard for you right now. I'm not trying to minimize that. But really imagine how it COULD be worse through.
b. LIFE IS HARD! But I can do hard things. And woman- so can you! Because you have.
c. Thank GOODNESS for repentance. Enough said. Amen.
You're amazing. Really. Hang in there.
PS. My mom told me about Kelly. So sad.