31 Days to a Better Spouse

June was spent doing lots of traveling, so much so that we spent Father’s Day en route back home. Needless to say it wasn’t a great, memorable celebration for my husband. In true ‘No Spin’ fashion, I considered doing a post about all of Jeffrey’s qualities I appreciated, along with all of the habits that were far less appealing...just to keep things real. Since he spent this Father’s Day weekend helping out family, doing odd jobs around their house, AND fighting an oven fire due to my lack of knowledge with high-altitude baking, I decided that I needed to take a much more appreciative approach if I was going to post anything about him.

So here’s what I did...

I took the idea from this movie:

(If you haven't seen it, you should)

and decided to spend the entire month of July contributing to my marriage; I wanted to do things every day to be a better spouse. We hardly ever see each other, and lot of our time together gets divided with all the multi-tasking we have to submit to, so I thought what better way to show my love than by sacrificing the one thing that I already have so little of to demonstrate my love/appreciation/gratitutde/etc. for him.

There were 6 things I wanted to improve on...

1. Get up every morning and make him breakfast before work (6 A.M.-hence why I haven’t done this yet)
2. Compliment him every day
3. Initiate intimacy- hugging, snuggling, actual legit conversation with eye contact
4. Avoid negativity
5. Finish the dishes every night before bed (my friend Heather is SO much better at this!)
6. Stop talking about my weight, exercise, how well my clothes fit, etc.

I’ve done....ok. :)

About half way through the month we had a major meltdown and I caved and told him I had intentionally been doing extra things to improve what little time we had together and I was frustrated because I felt like it didn’t matter. We have a pretty sturdy relationship, I think, and we can communicate about things fairly well. He listened, and started trying to aid me on the one or two days a week where he had extra time.

After those first few weeks, I stopped worrying about checking off the list because getting up every morning started becoming habit, one that I carry out about 80% of the time (unless I’m sick or he leaves earlier).

(Actually, that has morphed into waking up at 5:30 AM now so that I can have breakfast prepared the second he wakes up, allowing us to chat a bit longer.)

The dishes are about 60% of the time, which is an improvement non the less! As far as intimacy, we had a lot more rough-housing and towel swatting at the beginning of the month, but it’s gone back to hugs more so, but he has actually started randomly cuddling up to me! (And I love it!) As I have started going to bed before he gets home, I’ve begun leaving him little love notes for when he gets home. I’m finding those have a greater impact than staying up an extra hour and half later just to ‘see’ each other. He seems to wake up in an amazing mood the mornings after I’ve left a note the night before. :)

As for the negativity/weight deal...I’m a female, what can I say? Although, I do believe that every excuse is a choice to fail, and I was doing a much better job with this particular challenge in the first few days of the month in comparison to now, so it’s obvious I just need to kick my own butt and get in a better habit of being positive.

Complimenting- I’ve always been really good at saying ‘thank you’ and ‘I really appreciate you doing -----’ but true compliments seem so blatant, it was weird sometimes. One day I thanked him for not getting upset that I was emotional and letting me talk out my feelings. He asked if that wasn’t how he had always been in which I replied that, “Yes, you’ve always been this way, but just because someone always does something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t thank them for it.” At that point he immediately walked out of the kitchen over to me with a very sincere, cherished look on his face and gave me a hug. It was pretty awesome, (even if it was a ‘thank you’ and not a real compliment).

I want him to always feel that way. I want him to always know that I truly appreciate him. He won’t get that by reading this silly blog, and that’s not my intent for posting this. He’ll only know how I feel through my actions, and so I hope to maintain these new ‘better spouse’ habits. I feel like so much gets lost in the hustle of life and so many of us forget about what we (husband or wife) used to do, and focus more on what they used to do and what they no longer do...what about us? Shouldn't we first take responsibility for ourselves? I mentioned this little project to a few friends, (and I hope I didn't offend anyone in doing so!) and some of which were grateful for the challenge. Others might or might not have takent the challenge, as marriages are private and it's not for everyone to always know the goals of a relationship. And then some others were silent as I personally shared with them my plan, quietly fuming and then stating to me they felt that their spouse was the one that needed to start putting forth more effort, not themselves...(whatever, we've ALL been there, myself included! lol)

It’s not for me to say what way is the right way to be or not to be for any marriage, but what I do know is that I had a great experience with this challenge. It was really trying at first, and I found myself miserable with frustration in the first few days until I let my feelings go and just worked.

HARD.

Slowly I became a little better version of me.

And it was so worth it.

Because (to me) he is so worth it.

What about you? What’s a habit you want to change to improve your relationship with your spouse? Or what’s something you stopped doing and want to start up again?

The Old Fashioned, Cost Effective Way

I've noticed there has been a lot of new things circulating about....

weight loss.

For example, there's the new procedure called the Lap Band. From what I understand it's a surgery that places a ring around part of your G.I. track that inhibits you from over eating. It's pretty expensive, as most surgeries are. The commercials show thin people, liberated by their weight loss but what I'm wondering is how can you be liberated when your weight loss is souly dependent on something/someone else putting restrictions on you. Where is the personal freedom in that?

There are other procedures (stomach stapling, lypo, all types of injections, etc.) as well as

expensive gyms, fad diets, and even resorts advertising for you to drop your life as is for a period of time and come loose weight. These all cost large amounts of money and take time away from other, highly more pressing and important things (our families, our jobs, or our education). So what I'm wondering is why people spend so much money and disrupt their lives for a quick fix? And more importantly, what happens in five years when the surgery is no longer effective (oh yes, it happens) or you come home from the resort faced with all the temptations that got you overweight to begin with?

Actual weight loss isn't the issue; a person's weight is a symptom of what they did/are doing that caused them to gain the weight in the first place. There could be many reasons for this that are not part of a severe issue (surgery and an inability to exercise, injury, having a baby, etc). There are other issues that are a little more psychologically debilitating that are getting in the way of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Regardless, what I want to know is what happened to the old fashioned way of loosing weight? Output vs. input. You know, the one that forces us to be accountable for what we eat, if we exercise, and most importantly, that's FREE? Are we really unable to loose weight at home during our day-to-day lives?

(*Yes, sometimes in life threatening situations surgery is necessary and yes, some facilities and resorts legitimately fix your head so your body will follow, but most people are concerned with just their body. Hence, it's the programs that only target one's body and not their emotional/mental health and well being that I am focusing on.)

When I knew I wanted to do a post about weight loss, I decided I had to walk the walk if I was going to talk the talk. So, I committed to only weighing once a week and counting calories. I've lost 3 pounds in 7 days by exercising everyday and paying attention to what I eat. Granted it took me about 5 days to finally eat within my proposed calorie allotment because I had NO IDEA how much I had been consuming (I ate 1500 calories in ONE meal last week, and they were SMALL portions!) but by the fifth day I started getting a handle on things and it paid off in only a week. (And yes, I did step on the scale this morning with my eyes closed, all the while cringing inside until I finally opened them to read the numbers - 1 3 4 . 3. REALLY?! YES!)

I'm pretty stoked if I do say so myself. The fact that I'm paying attention and learning how many calories are in what I eat on a daily basis is giving me the tools for long term success, something a lot of dieters/surgical patients don't think about.

I also got the privilege of meeting this gal-

this past week (for FREE I might add).

After 25 minutes with her I looked like this-

I got to hear her story about how she got to the point she was at when she first started the show. She spoke very strongly about not making excuses and not comparing ourselves to others. She had a severe car accident that caused her body to not allow her muscles to grow as quickly as the other contestants and so she had a really hard time on the show. "I was the slowest, I finished last...

...but I lost 100 pounds. Who cares?"

I know a few people that started loosing weight recently 'the old fashioned way.' One mom had amazing success in only a month! Since she's started, she's lost 20 pounds in just 8 weeks. I'm good friends with another mom who says some people have suggested to her things to help her loose the weight "faster." "Faster? It's coming off on it's own, why spend money to speed up the process? What's the rush?" She admits she was slightly annoyed with the suggestion. I love that philosophy.

What is the rush? Why not take responsibility for our actions and put in the hard work? It's hard admitting what we've become, but we're better for it when we do.

Don't. Make. Excuses.

Mountains Out of Mole Hills

I get teased quite often about the phrases I use to illustrate a point I'm trying to make during conversation. Most of them come from having lived with my grandma since I was a little girl. She would say things like, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride," "The chickens have come home to roost," "Close the door, were you raised in a barn?", etc. Lots of these have stuck with me, but one phrase that seems to fit the theme of this blog is the one that says "Making mountains out of mole hills."

This idea seems to go hand in hand with spinning sometimes and building mountains can add unneeded stress, illicit the involvement of more people than necessary, and can basically make us look like the little boy that cried wolf. No thanks.

Example: This past weekend I was helping with a wedding reception. We had a babysitter for Friday and Saturday and back up just in case. Well, the babysitter threw out her back doing yoga (no spin) and by Friday evening I couldn't get a hold of our back up. I called a total of 8 people to watch our son for Saturday morning. 8 PEOPLE. Why didn't I just decide to let my husband stay home and watch our son if the back up never called? Instead I panicked, calling in serious favors from friends (which I HIGHLY DISLIKE doing) only to have them be busy or not return the call (to be honest, I probably wouldn't have called me back, either. Saturday morning sitter? The nerve! lol). The back up did come through and things were fine, but now do I look like one of those 'user' friends? I don't know. But since I'm trying to not make another mountain, I guess I'll just wait and see if any of them call me to hang out ever again. Moving on...

The basis of this mountain/mole hill idea is that we make large issues by building up something that is rather small in origin. There is some good news! This isn't always a bad thing. I have a positive example of this as well.

Here is my mole hill...

And here is my mountain...

19 blankets in total.

I had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago. I've heard lots of people talk about them and even have a family member that works in LBD so I've heard extremely detailed descriptions of miscarriages, still births, etc. So when I got pregnant, I stayed up the night before the doctor's appointment putting together a back up plan in case there ended up not being a baby just in case. I'm a big planner.

I had a plan, but ho-ly crap was I unprepared. Forget the hormones and the emotions, the physicality of the experience alone is more than I think a lot of people realize. I'm not going into detail here because that's not the purpose, but it honestly opened my eyes-- no spin.

Well, afterwards we were left with having gone through 2 weeks of labor and no child. No headstone, no memorial, nada. Being the somewhat busy bodied person I am I decided I needed to do something productive to fill up my few spare minutes I had each day. So I took my mole hill miscarriage and turned it into a mountain of 19 blankets for the still born babies and their parents at the hospital that I delivered my son at. Granted, a miscarriage isn't a small experience, but outside my little family it doesn't affect much else. Likewise, 19 blankets won't satisfy the masses, but they will reach and affect at least 19 moms (possibly dads, too) which is at least 16 more people than my miscarriage affected.

This is NOT a pat-on-the-back for me. This post is to raise awareness of several issues:

1) We can easily landscape our life to have less stressful and unhappy mountains and more mole hills. When it comes to the little things just repeat after me: IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

2) Miscarriages actually are kind of a big deal and I feel like the topic is a little taboo and I don't think it should be. They happen, they stink to go through, and we don't ever "get over" them but we move on. We'll bring them up here and there but we're coping and re-coping, so let's remember we should try and cut those we know some slack.

Finally-

3) Everything has it's opposite. I've given spinning a negative connotation, but think of those we know that spin what facts we tell them about our lives. "I bought a house, but it's really old." "WOW, your first buy! I'm so excited for you!" (Aren't those friends the greatest?) Similarly, we can choose to build either negative or positive mountains out of either mole hills. Don't forget that size is relative- what looks like a foot hill to one may seem like a steep summit to another. We can't ever comprehend what affects who to what intensity (just like in spinning, we never REALLY know). So don't hesitate to create influential mountains of goodness, no matter the size.

IT ALWAYS MATTERS.

95% Day...I'd Rather Be Flunking

Isn't it amazing how insecure we let ourselves feel when we're already down? It's almost like we have to beat ourselves up while we are already feeling incompetent because we feel like we deserve it.

I saw several blogs this week that completely fed into my insecurities. The first blog mentioned how the author just lost several pounds this past week. Instantly I had a pitty party, nevermind the fact I have lost about 13 pounds this past semester.

The second blog recapped a birthday party and all I could think about was how my kid's party didn't measure up. I also reminded myself how I don't work so I don't contribute financially, and that I am a full time student so I don't have the time to dedicate to planning fun activities. It was almost overwhelming how frustrated I was letting myself get about my situation in comparison to this family.

REDICULOUS.

Did you know that an average individual's "self talk" per day is 80% negative self-reflection? (I heard that during a psych lecture, so excuse me for not citing the reference.) But honestly, today is a day where I feel like my percentage would be more realistic at 95%. I really need to work on lowering that average to around 40%. (Originally I thought 50% would be good, but that only means that I'm neutral in how I feel about myself. 40% negativity means that I have a positive overlap :).

So I'm telling myself that this is one instance where 100% is NOT what I want. I've never been in the 40th percentile, I'm too good of a student (+ 1%) so this may take some getting used to.

Why don't we "flunk" negativity together? How about you comment and tell me one or more postives for yourself!

Isn't That What We're Supposed To Do?

This story has stuck with me for a while and if it belongs anywhere it belongs on this blog. (True story from a direct source)

Summary: A girl goes to a social event. She sits down at a table and starts up a conversation with a few individuals who are also dining with her. During the course of the conversation, one of the individuals asks the girl where she learned to tie her scarf the way she did. The girl openly mentions she saw it on a mannequin in a store a few days prior and decided the give it a try. The others at the table look at the girl with a strange look, as if to infer her lack of sophistication/style/tact/etc.

Really? Apparently this girl is ahead of the game because she caught the attention of the others sitting at the table in the first place.

Store fronts dress mannequins to attract consumers. That's the purpose of the mannequin. I've gone into a store and bought the entire outfit that the store front model was wearing and it was one of my best outfits. What I don't understand is what is wrong with doing that. Do people really spin their stories around buying clothes?

What is wrong with buying/accessorising like the model? Or admitting to doing it? After all, isn't that what we're supposed to do?

What is Spinning?

Spinning is that little extra tidbit we all like to put on our stories to embellish, emphasize, dramatize, and mostly make those around us view our life as the glass half full. I, along with others, view this as misleading, used to boost ourselves up (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) however it usually leads to competitiveness, envy, and personal frustration of others. How often do you read a blog and think, "Gosh, why are things going so well for them?!" Oh yes, we are happy for our friends who are abundantly blessed, but at the same time I know I feel frustrated and get caught in the "I have not" mindset. We all have spun, we all have compared at one time or another, and we all have lead ourselves to believe the grass is greener on the other side. I used to be a huge spinner, more of the "one upping" type that had to have the most drastic, dramatic story that was so horrendously extreme the gravity of it was too intense to be compared to anyone else's simple sob story (see what I mean?). I'm sure some of you still think I do this, which is true but to a lesser extent, and I am trying to break the habit.

That is why I started this blog. It serves as a duel purpose: 1. To help me honestly write about ideas, principles, and events (whether public or private) in an honest and factual tone and 2. To spread awareness about spinning. Yes, we have power over how things make us feel, but those days when your favorite skinny jeans won't button, your hair is going through that awkward cut stage, and you just read about your friend's perfect outing with their perfect family and saw the perfect pictures with her perfect wardrobe and never ending accessories you really do have a harder time maintaining a good feeling about yourself. Well, at least I do.

For those of you who wish to comment please do! I do ask however that comments remain respecful and curteous and maintain a reasonable amount of etiquette (translation: no swearing, bashing, or vulgarity).

I look forward to putting on the breaks with you!