Bipolar Roller

As you can probably tell from the title of this entry, I am bipolar.

Surprise!

And before you break out the torches and accuse me of lying I will openly admit that maybe I don't really roller skate. However, there was a Law and Order episode titled 'Bipolar Roller' and I couldn't think of anything else clever for this post...so I went with it.

Anyway, as I was saying...

Oh, wait, you thought I was implying that I was lying about being bipolar? Yeah, I get that a lot. (Well, now I do, anyway.)

I'm bipolar/manic depressive/"mentally ill" (if you must). And you know, today is one of those days where I know if I don't calm myself down I may just get a little...frustrated. :)

I was diagnosed at 19, which was a few years late considering how early the symptoms had actually surfaced. I stem from a looooonngggg line of women who have 'mental illnesses.' Also, did you know that 26% of Americans will experience being diagnosed with a mental illness at some point in their life (Nevid, J., Rathus, S. & Greene, B. 2011)? So I guess, according to those last two preveious statements, that makes me...

normal.

Funny word, 'normal.' I've met a lot of people with mental illnesses, and their common complaint is that they just want to be normal again. What is normal, though, really? In statistical standards, meaning essentially that the majority rules, the norm is actually being crazy (Ok, ok, having a "chemical imbalance.") Crazy- I hate that word, too. I've been called that a time or two by sanists- the people that are prejudice against those with mental illnesses (Yes, they actually have a word to describe those people. One point for the mentally unstable!).

I've also found 'sane' people (which just means those with disorders that aren't diagnosed, so I use that term loosely) like to blame their mistakes, or in their eyes the lack of, on me. "Are you having a mood swing?" No. I am genuinely frustrated with your behavior and it is upsetting to me, but because I'm the one lumped into a group of people deemed 'crazy,' I must be the only one with the problem. Ugh...

Truth be told, and don't FREAK OUT on me here, I've been off my meds since just after I got married. And yes, I've been stable. I check in with the hubs every so often to make sure he doesn't see something that I've missed as far as my moods go. I still keep my psychiatrist on speed dial just in case (ok, not REALLY, but his number is always in my contact list). I actually only have mood swings now when I have run in's with family- you know, the people that I spent 23 years of my life with every single day. *Isn't it ironic...don't ya think?*

To answer another question: Yes, I have been to a therapist before. Three, actually. (The first two were for the disease, the third one was to counter act the resurfacing of my CSA history (Child Sexual Abuse). That's another post. :)

You know the funny thing? I'm going to school to be...a therapist. I guess I'm just 'nuts' all around, aren't I?

Why am I posting this? It's so....taboo! "Why would you tell people that?!"

Um...because I don't care...

I'd rather 50 people genuinely think I'm 'nuts' and have one person say, "Oh, she's bipolar too? At least there's someone else like me!" then have 51 people whisper about me that they know this deep, dark, embarrassing secret. I'm not embarrassed at all, actually. It's so fun to hear stories where the narrator is talking about a person who's "Crazy, like she was bipolar or something," (why is it always a she?) as if it's this disease that turns you into the Mad Hatter or that judge from 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'. So I usually interject and inform them that they need to be nice, and when they question me I tell them that I'm bipolar- which they don't immediately believe. (Later, they'll forget and make other comments, and I'm quick to remind them. Of course.)

I'm kind of glad I have this, though. (I know, I know, even other bipolars think I'm crazy for saying that). I manage my disease, so in spite of it I've become someone I really like. I wasn't always this way, but I am now, and I think that's what matters.

Does it bother me that there are still people out there that remember the old me and all those awful memories that come along with it?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I want to climb into a dark hole because of the shame and never come back out. That's the disease talking...and then I tell it very nicely to shut up. (And yes, apparently I talk to myself as well.) Heh heh, I've even imagined people saying in their heads, "EEewwwwww...diseeeeaase..." and then I laugh. It reminds of an animated cartoon, like Bugs Bunny or something.

Moving along...

So days like today I sit, establish the origin of what is stressing me out so much that it is inducing a mood swing, and then I try to calmly address the underlying issues that are causing me to have such a strong emotional response. Life is built out of facts. It's what we take from those facts that creates our emotional responses and that then determines our moods.

In regards to that, today was pretty successful. Although, I did have a 6 pack of Golden Oreos and a 3 Musketeers bar to help me along. (The Oreos were great, the 3 Musketeers was highly unnecessary.) I don't condone emotional eating. That's actually habitual characteristic I've learned from my family, one that's also very prominent in our society and one that I have been very successful at smoldering out of my life.

But I did cave today.

(Mr. Mars, it's been a looong time, but you'll have to leave because I just don't like you that much anymore. lol)

After a little work, my sanity is back (for the moment- jk). I don't always come off as great of a conqueror as I would like, but it doesn't always have to be pretty to be a success, right?

You win some days.

You lose other days.

There's only one thing that really matters...

I am winning the war.

Nevid, J., Rathus, S., & Greene, B. Abnormal psychology in a changing world. 2011. Upper Saddle River, NJ; Prentice Hall.