EEEAAAAASSSSSYYYYY...This Might Sting A Little

(If you've been waiting for the juicy, no-spin-my-life-isn't-perfect post, you're going to enjoy this. If you're one of those that's completely concerned with every individual and it pains you to hear hard things about people (you know, the type of person we all wish we could be but still succumb to our natural, beastly ways) then you probably won't care to read this.)

I hate college football.

HATE.

IT.

Like I said, this might sting a little... :)

I was a cheerleader my freshman year in high school and I was on the dance team my junior and senior year. I was also in the marching band.

For FOUR YEARS.

So I've been exposed to football, or rather high levels of testosterone and excuses to use profanity, make sexual jestures, or beat the crap out of someone else for the high of it...using the excuse of a 'tackle' to do so. (Also known as the rediculous practice of "team contact sports.")

I can't drive past a football field at night and not instantly be taken back to Monday night band rehersals and Friday night games. The wet, grassy smell, the heavy late night fog, and the stadium lights definetly left their...scars, we'll say. Lol. However, unlike some people, I choose not to revel in it.

I should preface this by informing you that I used to REALLY hate sports. Why? It wasn't the 50:1 pig football player to decent human being ratio, the being harrassed by players AND COACHES during games, or the emphasis on a crap male's team over an excelling female's team. It stemmed from the fact that my dad always watched sports on tv....and they took priority.

I remember one night, desperately waiting to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. If you know me at all, you know Halloween is my favorite holiday, hands down. As soon as dusk hit I was on the street, baby. That year my dad was taking me...and I had to wait...and wait, long after it got dark, for the game to finish.

I hated sports so much back then that my dad used to give me hard time, even when I got older. He'd tell me I had to like sports because guys liked sports. And afterall, if you want boys to like you, you have to like what they like. *gag me with insecurity*

So...what did I do?

Date the guys that liked cars.

Boo-yah.

Well...that crowd ran a little rough, so after I dabbled a bit with the MMA lovers, I returned to the greasemonkeys only to quit the habit completely.

Then, one day, (on the off season) I met a great guy...who turned out to be a football player.

So mmmaaaaaayyyyyyybbbbeeeeee I adapted.

I bought him several college football books, painted logos of PAC 10 colleges with him, learned the REDICULOUS game rules, remembered the names of quarterbacks that HE didn't even remember, and even named our fish after Alabama's mascot (Roll Tide!- Wait, why did I just write that? Ugh.). Why did I do this? It was important to him. He was a great match, had a lot of the qualities I thought I'd have to settle without, loved me, and most importantly, I met him at THE END of college football season...

...and I forgot what it meant to be a football player.

I should have known better.

How am I feeling right now, 3 days into the season?

I.

HATE.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

At least I got action at the games in high school.

(Oh yes, I went there.)

Football is like a deteriorating disease, it seems to get worse with age. Could it be the only thing that ties people to their younger years, the only time they see themselves as fully happy? Or in control? Or is it remaniscent of what could have been? Thus, the farther from that time of life one gets, the harder they fight to feel connected to it.

He re-routed after meeting me, dropping possible division-1 and/or scholarship opportunities to get married and start a family and sometimes I really feel like a regret. Not all the time, but there is the slight glimmer of hesitance and neglect during this time of year (which ironically is also around our wedding anniversary).

I've learned a lot lately about "not living your story." We have things happen to us, events/stories/defining 'Rudy' moments, whatever, (see, ANOTHER stupid football reference) but when we repeat the same stories over and over again to different people...doesn't it tend to chip away at you, leaving your story feeling empty? That's my experience. I can't understand why people want to relieve, 'what could have been' unless they are unhappy with their current situation and already feel that emptiness, the lack of having 'something'.

Even now, I have Secondhand Serenade on, my favorite cd, remembering all the feelings and memories attached to it, because I'm already sad and lonely. It feels good, like a relief, but I actually have an even stronger desire...to curl up with him, listening to this music, and enjoying being with him, making new memories with HIM.

Am I not enjoyable, more so than sports?

Should I resurrect the stupid cheerleader uniform?! (I've lost enough weight to fit into it now, in regards to my previous post. Down 21 lbs!)

I see other people discussing their marriages and there seems to be lots that say, "If I had known ------ about them, I probably wouldn't have married them."

Is that normal?

Is it the habit that's the real deal breaker, or is it the prevelance that it holds that causes the real harm? When you marry someone, you see their potential, what they could be, flaws included. Yet, when the grappling for the 'vices' continues, possibly increasing, causes marital strife, is that when the regrets start to occupy one's thoughts? I almost married a guy once who just couldn't quite let go of so many things, things I knew to be damaging. And I almost took the plunge anyway. Now I wonder- is it even possible to really let go or are we destined to hold on to the things that keep us from perfecting ourselves? (Clarification: never have and never will regret not marrying that guy or any other I dated, in case you were wondering.)

How selfish is TOO selfish? We all have to be selfish to maintain sanity, but how much is too much?

How much do we 'adapt' to those around us? Are they supposed to adapt as much in return? Should adapting even take place?

I used to love this time of year...now, I just want it to be over.

I hate college football!!

-Disgruntled Housewife :)